The Impulse To Argue About Everything
Your hard work isn’t directly related to the number of praise you will get. Sometimes, your hard work goes into drain because someone else takes the credit. Or you are given less credit. And the worst is when you are shouted, humiliated because it didn’t bring in the desired result.
Not everything you do will be successful. Sure you need to take a note and improve. But in all cases, your intent should be high. And then the work should be judged.
The society works in weird ways. They judge by the final product. The intention is never focused on. For example, someone would be praised if they donated a hefty amount. The intention of hiding their other crime is never discussed.
Good things are appreciated but it shouldn’t come from bad intentioned people. You should good because you want to make good things happen.
If you work in office, a 9 to 5 day job, there will be office politics. Sure the times are changing and there are popping up studios which focus on being the best. But those are rare and the pace is slow.
So if you work in an environment of toxic behaviour then you will be subjected to such behaviour. People will take advantage of you, put blame on you and make a fool out of you.
There too you might think that arguing is the best way out. This way you can show them who is the boss and you are not someone they can oppress. But the harsh truth is it works only for few people. The best strategy is to look for different team or different company.
And if you are in a situation where all the companies would subject you to such behaviour then play the game too. So that you can survive and make your stay a pleasant one.
Another time when you feel like arguing is when someone has a different ideology than you. The first thing that comes to your mind is – how wrong they are. Also how your philosophy is the right one..
So you bombard them. Take the reasoning as personal attacks and your relationship grow sour.
Remember no matter what – you can’t change someone’s philosophy in one day. Can you change your thinking in one day. You wouldn’t because you think you are right and there is no reason to. Bummer they think the same way.
Sure having a healthy debate is a nice thing and it helps you broaden your perspective on many things. But if it gets heated, best thing to do is shut yourself down.
Also you don’t need to argue all the time someone speaks about their ideologies. Also you need to see who is speaking – do you want to engage with them.
The worst thing you can break your friendship would be based on the argument about different philosophies. Sure there should be some common ground like morality, respect and such things.
But if your friend believes abortion is right and you believe it is wrong – shouldn’t be the basis of your sour relationship.
And in the first place, you should avoid any topic where you or your friend might get personal. If you are meeting your friend once a month then enjoy their company, drink, eat and discuss their fear, hopes and dreams.
Catch up and have an amazing night. Sure you might disagree on something’s. Let it go. Have some discussion and then hop on to more fun things.
When Should You Argue
First thing is to make sure the other person is at least on the same level of your intelligence or close. Because if you argue with someone uneducated about why they shouldn’t believe in God, they have less perspective and ideas to share.
Hence it would be unfair to make them feel bad if they couldn’t defend their viewpoint.
The goal shouldn’t be to make the other person believe or disbelieve something. It should be to have a closer look at your own beliefs and then question it as per new ideas.
No heated arguments and no personal attacks. No loud talking and no talking over someone. This helps keep the discussion civil. And finally there should be time limit- day for 20 minutes. So it doesn’t eat up your whole time and you can enjoy your day.
Shift In Perspective
When you take an approach – you can can be wrong, the whole game shifts. Most people argue on the premise that they are right and they need to prove others wrong.
What if you come from a place of self doubt and ready to explore the new ideas. This will help in more productive discussions.
Listen to understand and not do a smart reply. Try to understand the nuances. Make it your goal to take as much rational anecdotes with you as possible. Most people listen and fire back and feel good about themselves.
Take an extra step to make sure the other person is comfortable. If you sense some uncomfortableness then step up to end the discussion and move on without judgement.
Avoid laughing on others point, it is used to mock others because you feel you are right. You might be but you have no right to belittle someone based on their beliefs. You have tens of beliefs too which can be laughed upon.
Your relationship with the other person matters a lot. If she is your friend then the level of intimacy can be different than if she was a stranger. My personal advice is to avoid arguments just for the sake of it. If you aren’t going to take back some ideas from the other person, it becomes an useless activity.
You are more likely to be composed, open and willing to test new ideas. So read a lot. Sure read about things you like, but read contrast things and ideas.
For example, if you believe in gun control then read about why gun should be allowed. Their perspectives will help you either strengthen your belief or understand where they are coming from.
Either way, you are more likely to make the best possible decisions when you read from many different angles and then make a decision best at that moment.