I woke up at the noon, there were noises all around the home. My mom was shouting at my brother for not doing homework. The TV volume was way up than normal. Because there was some award function going on — which had dance numbers, lame excitement and false awardship. But being a medieval household there isn’t much to the excitement in our life. TV is the biggest show stopper. From gossips, reality TV shows and daily soaps, the fake world had become an important part of our real life.
Sometimes there were people who would get offended at the jokes from TV and sometimes you would get inspired from a moving story. There isn’t any linear learning available. It is up to you what you want to take away.
Being good, bad or neutral are all the options available to you. It is good to idealize heroes but beating all the bad guys unless you are a law officer is illegal. So, you need to draw the line on how much you can take. The best is to take the idea and use is with a rational mind.
Amidst all of this…
I couldn’t focus on anything. I felt like the whole world collapsed in front of me and time seemed to slow down. The pain was unbearable. Perhaps the worst of its kind. For me headaches mean nightmares. Sometimes I feel the veins in my brain should be removed. And it should be done when I am conscious. Maybe that way I will forget the severe headaches which I get.
No, its not migraine or any other dangerous thing. It happens and it has became a routine thing for me.
Later that I ordered some veggies online and the delivery person couldn’t locate my house. After explaining the direction few times, I gave up. My frustration level was at its peak. And I couldn’t think of anything else. I felt like shouting, punching and making no sense. Naturally I called the customer rep and said all the bad things. I felt terrible afterwards. But as they say — you should always control your feelings because an arrow once shot couldn’t be stopped. The damage is done.
What I did was wrong. But at that moment of anger, I lost all my calmness.
There is no way you can mend a thing with anger. Blaming others or channeling your anger to a person is the unproductive thing. You need to sit down and think of a solution and do that.
When you are facing frustration, instability and the urge to shout — everyone seems to behave badly with you. Although everything is in my mind, I feel I am being pushed to my limits. It seems like the whole world is making a conspirancy against me. This all happens in our minds and one train of thought leads to another — all of which is rubbish.
It is easy to talk about patience, meditation and being calm. But when the person is pushed to the boundary, it is tough to stay calm.
One thing I try is to isolate myself from the situation and stay alone for as long as possible. Once I can see I am approaching my normal me, I go and interact with people. This doesn’t work 100 percent of the time though.
Here is something I remember when my girlfriend broke up with me. The late night cryings, listening to sad songs and eating at weird times — you end up doing all of these. But you can’t live your life like this. You revisit the old memories only to make you more sad, cry harder and end up being clueless. You want to blame someone. You had your love, affection and warmth for your girlfriend. But end up blaming your girlfriend for being mean, direct and not reflecting your views. It feels a little less painful because there is no flaw in you, if anything it was your girlfriend who messed up the relationship. You keep on repeating this narrative because it is comforting.
Now comes the part where you need to overcome the harsh, saddening and cruel breakup. You think you don’t have the courage, push and motivation to move forward. The new hobbies starts to develop, you start new friendship and talk a lot about how different people have dealth with their shortcomings. But all of this seems in vain. The pain still exists and it only gets nerve wrenching everytime you think about it.
The solution isn’t with other people. Most of the times it is me who has messed up the situation. It is me who has lost his cool and shouted at people for no reason. And it is again me who has lost his rational train of thoughts and started to argue on silly things.
Only if I could rewind some incidents and kept my mouth shut, I would have felt a little better. But as they say — once you swallow the anger tablet, you have to leave your understanding and common sense at table.
The trick is to identify the situation where you go and shout. Then tell a story to yourself on how you would behave next time. And do that. Rinse and repeat. Each time you will see a better version of yourself.
Humans are a mysterious creatures. They learn the languages which are complex, understand survival basics when they are toddlers. Once they grow up, they can understand complex mathematical equation, be tough by building tonnes of muscles and accomplish the highest peak on the Earth. Of course, not everyone does this. But everyone do have a similar version of this in their lifetime. Maybe it is overcoming the loss of someone by doing charity to hundreds of people. Or taking charge in times of natural calamity. We humans are brave, scared, mysterious, rational, stupid, courageous, weak, handsome, ugly, focused, lost and everything in between.
It is easy for me to show my worst side — when I am angry, shouting or arguing with no basis. But when it comes to speak up about a problem and providing solution, we push others. We love to hid ourselves in the corner with reasons like new, shy and dangerous.
This doesn’t sound right.
At one end, I am confident and bold when it comes to behave inappropriately. On other end, I am shy and fearful when it comes to showcase the real personality.
What You Should Do?
Getting angry, losing your calm and shouting aimlessly happens with the best of us. But it is up to you how to go ahead. If you lose your calm with the same person then sit down and analyze the root cause. It can be because of different perspectives, you hating that person or you being jealous. Remember the exercise is to find the faults within. Find them and work on them.
Second, you need to tell a narrative — practice giving a delayed reply. For example, when someone says your presentation is bad. Slow down. Take 30 seconds to calm your energy and be open to improvement ideas. If you got nothing to keep conversation going — then say, “I will get to you later”. Think and calmly respond to the situation. Because you can’t stop heated situation from happening. But you can control how you behave, think and show the body language when such situation pops up.
Always respond by “Okay” and then think on the situation for a well thought out reply.
If you sense you are getting angry, excuse yourself and wash your face in the bathroom. Come out when you feel okay.
It is okay to lose cool and do mistakes, but remember to own them, learn from it and correct them, if necessary.