I was in college when I got in a love relationship. The experience was beautiful, mesmerizing and dreamy. I couldn’t get hold of the fact that a girl would find me thoughtful, compassionate and warm. To an extent that she would talk, spend time with me and show empathy.
The memories kept on coming. I was shaken by the sheer energy this relationship brought in my life.
From my family to friends and the colleagues — all were witnessing the change in me. All of a sudden I cared more, read more and groomed more. The idea of someone looking at you was not a creepy stalking thing. It was an expected charm for which I needed to be prepared.
The ongoing beautiful journey instilled belief, made me strong and loud. In my mind, everything was going great and joyful. It is safe to say my dreams were coming true.
Until the EXPECTED BREAK UP…
The breakup was instant. No signs, warnings or teaser. It was so sudden that I was in disbelief, shock and subsequently went into depression.
From the moment I was committed in the love relationship — I went all in. I did all the romantic stuff which people do like making calls in the morning, talking romantically for hours and calling each other cute names. Our affection didn’t hide from people around us. When we used to walk, people would lean in and give compliment. Your behavior changes and people notice things pretty quickly. The idea that a girl is into me and cared enough to talk everyday was beyond limits. I was still in disbelief.
I went and dreamed about our marriage, the complications we might face and the names of our kids. All this seemed normal — of course we are in love and the marriage is around the corner.
Both of us knew about the differences in our viewpoints but love knows no boundaries. It pushes you to cross your cultural or language barrier and become engrossed in this heavenly feeling. I often fantasized about our closeness and would think how we would talk and spend our everyday life. From that moment, my decisions reflected both of us. It wasn’t me that would go to tours, vacation or getting a job. It was we because we became inseparable. Not seeing each other for long time meant pain, sad thoughts and longing for love. All of which wasn’t something both of us were prepared to face.
Still being in undergrad college, our studies needs to be done, jobs to find and save money before we can look into our beautiful, enormous and movie-like marriage.
But as you know nothing happened.
She broke off with me. For about a week, she didn’t disclosed the reason. And it made me more crazy than ever. I was thinking about all the possibilities where I had gone wrong. But no reasons would come close and then I blamed the God, her and friends. I was blaming anyone who was an easy target.
I would confront her and ask for a valid reason. I acted as if I had an authority over her. She started giving me hints and some vague reasons. I glued them together and it was a shock for me. She broke off with me because our viewpoints didn’t match. The biggest shock came because she knew this from the beginning and suddenly it mattered her a lot.
I went in a depression where I would cry every night, think about her and the fond memories. What followed was a year of self-critique where I would blame myself for all the misery that came. She moved on. Whereas I was standing in a desert ready to die but not cross and drink water.
In short, I fell in a love relationship and focused on the cozy feeling rather than the compatibility which is the most important factor.
LESSON LEARNED: Work to get the basics strong and check where your compatibility lies. There is no point going all in when the trigger (marriage) can’t be pulled because both of you lack compatibility.
If I were to develop a love relationship today, here is what I will do:
- Focus on the compatibility by asking questions, discovering passions and morals. Because ultimately this would become the strong ground if things were to get serious.
- Not go all in and dream of all the future events. Rather live in the present and work each day to make it beautiful. Also keeping in mind, things could go wrong any moment and I would be prepared for it. Having an abundance mentality helps — meaning this date won’t be my last if I were rejected at any moment.
- Work hard even after we both have proposed. Treat each week as a challenge to sustain the relationship for yet another week. Things go awfully wrong when the relationship is taken granted. You need to work for all the coming years like you did before proposing to your girl.
The most important lesson here for you is to get to know the person better. Their values, perspectives and likings. Are both of you on the common ground? The answer should be resounding yes for most of the things and for remaining things it shouldn’t matter.
Only then you can add spices to your relationship — giving roses, caring and showing empathy and being romantic. This all will stand only when the core compatibility between both of you is strong.
This relationship broke me but taught me the biggest lesson. Today I am sharing this lesson with you.
What are some ways you can spice up your relationship?